Monday, June 2, 2014

Lessons from Noah's Ark

What Do Christians Learn from Noah's Ark?

Here's the graphic going around. I admit, it's cute and clever:

They may not miss the boat but they sure missed the meat of the story. The only way to sell a  story as horrible as Noah's story (especially to kids) is to dress it up in cuteness and ignore the basic truths it presents. Therefore, I'd like to give you the lessons I've learned from the story of Noah's Ark.

What I've Learned from Noah's Ark.

1. Salvation is a limited-time offer. If you don't act now without thinking it through and doing some research, we may not give you another day to opt in.

2.  We're not all welcome in the boat. If you don't conform to our beliefs and ways, we've got no room for you. Go drown.

3. Let fear and doomsday prophecies rule your life. Make your most important decisions when you're least able to reason. Allow the most bigoted and fearful folks to pressure you into surrendering your present and your future.

4. Your god doesn't care about your physical or mental condition. When he says "Jump!" you say "How high?" You don't get a break. You don't get a rest. You're here to serve him cradle-to-grave and beyond.

5. Don't pay any attention to dissent. Continue with your crazy because you are special and your god has chosen you. Those folks will one day wish they'd listened to your crazy because they will be punished and you'll be safe.

6. Build your future on the word of those who offer no evidence. Compromise your reason and your morality "just in case." This works well with #3.

7. Your main purpose in life is to breed more followers. Unless, of course, you are "clean" or "sacred" in which case your purpose may also be to be sacrificed on the altar of your god. I'm looking at you, Quiverfull, for the first part. 

8. Your god can magically make things work out ok. You don't need a sense of urgency. You don't need to plan ahead for the future. Rely on faith and the words of religious leaders and your god will handle the rest.

9.  When things get tough, turn it over to your god. Don't be responsible for your own outcomes when you can choose to do nothing instead. That way, you can either praise your god for a good outcome or else blame someone else for a bad outcome. You never have to make a hard decision or take responsibility. This works well with #8.

10. Religion trumps science every time. It doesn't matter if there's no evidence of an ark. It doesn't matter that the recipe for the ark in the Bible will, if followed exactly, will produce a monstrosity that will sink like a stone. Scoff at every professional and put your faith in fools. Ignore every benefit you receive from science and give your god the credit.

11. Your god is a bully and he doesn't mind showing off. He can kill every living thing on the planet if he wants to - things that he made, people that he made. He can erase his mistakes without fear of reprisal because who is going to question him? Then he can put his warrior bow in the sky to remind you that you'd better never question or disobey. Not just today but any time he feels like it, he may put that bow up there as if he's going to shoot an arrow through your disobedient ass.

What lessons did you learn from the Noah's Ark story? Share them with us.