Religion Is Not a Mental Illness

Is Religion a Mental Illness?

 A few posts back, I wrote:

Mental illness isn't always determined by what is real. It's often determined by what is a cultural norm. So if you believe you can talk to your ancestor's spirits and they talk back to you, that's ok in a culture that promotes such belief. But if you stray too far outside your culture's beliefs, you may be labeled "mentally ill." If you think Jesus hears you and gives you the strength to get through the day, you're fine! But if you think some other cryptic deity or power guides you and gives you power, you may be insane. Of course, I'm not saying that irrationality equals mental illness - otherwise, we'd all be labeled as insane! But it does seem rather ridiculous that two people can have the same exact symptoms or delusions but only one person gets the label.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since I wrote that and I'm ready to revisit this topic. 

First, we need to understand that mental illness is a rather abstract concept. Different diseases and disorders present in many ways so it's almost impossible to pin the term down precisely. What we can say about mental illness, however, is that it's always involuntary and causes distress, disempowerment, disability, or sometimes even death. Nobody gets up in the morning and decides to become mentally ill. Likewise, no one can end a mental illness by simply deciding to be well.

Mentally ill people may often say and do things that seem irrational to others but are perfectly logical to them. For example, if someone sees or hears something that is not there, they may respond logically as if that hallucination were real. We know now that when people hallucinate, their brain is working as if the stimuli were real. So if I were to hear a voice behind me say, "Hey, Tweenky!" then I would respond logically by looking back and saying, "What?" because, to my brain, someone really said that. An onlooker would find it puzzling to say the least.

We often make the mistake of thinking that irrationality is the key to mental illness but, as you can see above, this simply isn't so. Irrationality is something we all share - it's part of the human condition. So we cannot say that an irrational person is mentally ill by virtue of being irrational. That would label us all! So what we need to understand is that most irrationality isn't due to illness - it's due to our brains being very prone to mistakes.

That's where religion comes in. The superstitious and irrational elements of religion are almost always due to errors of thinking rather than organic dysfunction. Certainly, the two may be combined in interesting or dangerous ways but they are largely independent. Most people get their religion from their parents and so they are taught in their earliest years that some magic is real and some magic is not. For example, a typical American Evangelical will teach his child that Jesus is real, he works miracles, he listens to your prayers, and he's coming back. That same parent will also teach his child that fairies, wizards, leprechauns, and such are myths that shouldn't be taken seriously. The fact that most such children grow up believing in Jesus but disregarding the old myths is very telling. The ability to discern the difference shows that the child can reason but is working with faulty information and does not have the tools available to self-correct.

Think of your brain as a computer. If the software you are running is written properly (rationally), then you'll get a desired and useful result. If the software is not written properly (irrationally), then your program will crash. When a program crashes, you can either keep running the program and insist that it works (cognitive dissonance) or you can fix the error and try again (skepticism). But what if the operating system itself is messed up? Then it doesn't matter what state the software is in because the brain isn't communicating correctly with its parts (mental illness).

I don't know if that analogy makes as much sense in writing as it does in my head but I'm trying to say that we must differentiate between a faulty brain and a mistaken brain. This is why religious rituals and behavior, no matter how bizarre to an outsider, cannot rightly be assumed to be functions of mental illness. 

Now I know there are many atheists who claim that religion is a mental illness either in earnest or in jest. I'd like for them to consider that this statement is not helpful to either mentally ill atheists or to mentally able theists. It labels both groups as "other" and "crazy" which tends to drive people away. Certainly, the religious engage in behaviors that are irrational and, let's be honest, downright hilarious. But we can mock that without bringing illness into it. 

Remember, those theists aren't a bunch of nutjobs no matter how silly they may seem to you. They are people who are operating with bad information and they often can't or won't fix the problem. Remember also, that you too (just like me) operate under bad information in other areas. If you want people to help you think more rationally, then you need to be willing to help others do the same.

Also, remember that we mentally ill atheists aren't a bunch of nutjobs either. We are people with an illness that science currently can't fix 100%. And yes, some of us come into the world with both mental illness and indoctrination. We have to work extra hard to fix our software problems. We need your help and support - not your scorn (unintended though it may be).

So no, religion isn't a mental illness. It's a software malfunction and we all can work together to help everybody get their code written better. Some need less help. Others need more. The only real question is are you going to help?

"I Just Probably Smashed His Face to Hell" (The Tragedy of Kelly Thomas)

The Tragedy of Kelly Thomas

The following video contains disturbing imagery - especially at the 3:48 minute mark. I'm going to ask you to go beyond your normal boundaries and watch it anyway because this happened to a fellow human being. Perhaps if we can bring ourselves to cry, vomit, or react in some uncomfortable enough way, we will do something to stop this.

The schizophrenic man's name was Kelly Thomas. He wasn't being violent. He wasn't hurting anyone. This fatal beating was his punishment for being mentally ill. What punishment did the offending cops get for being morally ill and murdering him? Nothing. A jury let them off.

When I look at Kelly's battered face, all I can see are those awful, bloody tampons in his nose. They are so much like the ones I had in my nose when I had that posterior nosebleed during pregnancy. I can't shake the image in my head of these two cops beating this man so badly that the artery in the back of his nasal cavity broke. And that's not the worst of his injuries apparently. I can't shake the sound of him screaming "Help me!" and the thought of him screaming for his father. This is going to haunt me the rest of my life because one day it may be me.

Let that sink in, those of you who know me. There is no reason why this can't happen to me. If my medication stops working and someone calls the police, they may beat me to death or shoot me in my living room. Who will punish them? No one, apparently. Why? Because I'm mentally ill and, apparently, I deserve what I get.

Let that sink in, those of you have friends and family members who are mentally ill or have autism. There's no room in the world for us where the cops and juries are concerned. We're in the way. We're a liability. It's ok for us to be murdered.

We failed Kelly Thomas. We failed Keith Vidal. We've failed countless other unnamed people.

If this video won't convince us to protect the mentally ill, then  I don't know what will. 

"We Don't Have Time for This" (In Memory of Keith Vidal)

Inspired by the story of Keith Vidal...

a young man with schizophrenia who was killed by police in his home, in front of his parents, after he had been subdued (according to news reports).


WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS

No time for your sorrow,
No time for your sleep,
No time for you to rage,
No time for you to weep.

No time for your low,
No time for your high,
No time for you to cut,
Or attempt to just die.

No time for your confusion,
No time for your fear,
No time for your delusions,
I wish you weren't here.

No time for your family
No time for your friends
But time enough there is
To bring your life to an end. 

How to Differentiate Between Schizophrenia and Demonic Possession

Recently, I watched a series of psychology lectures online. I enjoyed the presentation very much and admired the professor's knowledge of the material and his willingness to answer as many student questions as he could. Part one of the lecture covered schizophrenia and he spoke in depth about auditory hallucinations and persistent delusions. When that class ended, I eagerly started part two. The introduction stated this time that the lectures were presented at a Christian university yet I couldn't help but be surprised when he opened the next lecture with prayer! One session he is describing the mentally ill hearing voices, talking to people who aren't there, and believing things that aren't real. The next session, he talks to someone who isn't there and honestly believes that the supreme creator of the universe is listening to him.

This has always been a pet peeve of mine. Mental illness isn't always determined by what is real. It's often determined by what is a cultural norm. So if you believe you can talk to your ancestor's spirits and they talk back to you, that's ok in a culture that promotes such belief. But if you stray too far outside your culture's beliefs, you may be labeled "mentally ill." If you think Jesus hears you and gives you the strength to get through the day, you're fine! But if you think some other cryptic deity or power guides you and gives you power, you may be insane. Of course, I'm not saying that irrationality equals mental illness - otherwise, we'd all be labeled as insane! But it does seem rather ridiculous that two people can have the same exact symptoms or delusions but only one person gets the label.

Back to the lectures, I was further shocked to see this otherwise intelligent and professional instructor talk about the difference between schizophrenia and demonic possession. He listed three ways he believes you can tell the difference:

1. Schizophrenics will display a strong, positive reaction to the mention of God or prayer while the possessed will show a strong, negative reaction.

2. Schizophrenics do not typically display logical speech and are often confused. Demons are sharp-witted, logical, and clever. They often know things about the people who are attempting deliverance.

3. Schizophrenics typically respond to meds and therapy. Demons do not.

By these criteria, I may be demon possessed. After all, I have responded negatively to mention of God. I have had doctors and laypeople galore tell me I need to get back in church, pray harder, turn it over to Jesus, etc. in order to get well. These responses are unhelpful and aggravating. Of course I'm going to respond negatively!

I also display logical speech most of the time. I do not have disorganized schizophrenia. I can also cold read the hell out of most people.

Lastly, I did not respond to medication for the first 14 years of treatment. If at first it doesn't succeed, there must be a demon!

It truly broke my heart to see this otherwise wonderful professor give his students such bad advice. Not just bad, mind you, but truly dangerous. But what else can we expect from an institution (religion) that critiques everyone else's delusions but refuses to examine its own? Tales of demonic possession not only made me feel more guilty and worthless but they also retarded my treatment. In the world of schizophrenia, early treatment is a big deal as it can slow down or stop some of the brain damage associated with the disease. So losing those first 14 years to irrational superstition has likely harmed me physically as well as emotionally.

Please think twice before you turn your mental health over to religion. You can't cure delusion with another delusion.

Mental Illness: Of Prayers and Polls

Last week was the first time I read about Lifeway Research's new poll which stated that 35% of Americans and 48% of Evangelical Christians believe that "With prayer and Bible study ALONE, people with serious mental illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia can overcome mental illness." I admit that when I first saw those numbers, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut and all my work here was for nothing.

Fortunately, my reason quickly took over and I dug into the poll a little deeper. I didn't find much here to give me confidence in the results which is, I think, a good thing. Let's break this poll down:

First, let's look at how the statement is phrased. What did Lifeway mean by the term "overcome" and did the respondents define the word in the same way? In this sentence, "overcome" does not necessarily mean the same thing as "cure." It could mean "control" or "cope." Christians talk about overcoming the devil or temptation as a daily struggle so the respondents could mean that prayer and Bible study are enough to help mentally ill people cope with their mental illness. That's still troubling but it's nowhere near as bad as thinking that prayer can cure a mental illness.

Second, let's look at how they conducted the survey. They spent 4 days calling 1001 people. That's our sample size - 1001 out of 330,000,000 Americans. Lifeway says that "Responses were weighted by age, gender, education, race/Hispanic ethnicity, region, and CBSA market size." That's nice, I suppose, but it doesn't instill any confidence about the results. They state they have 95% confidence in the sampling but I don't understand how they come to that conclusion. Perhaps I need more instruction in scientific polling or perhaps this whole thing is load of dung.

Third, let's look at who comprises the Lifeway Research team and what their motivations are:

1. The first listed member is Ed Seltzer. His degrees and experience are in theology so I doubt he is qualified to create scientific polls. 

2. The second listed member is Scott McConnell. His degree is in economics and marketing so he should know how this stuff works. As a marketer, however, we must always be skeptical of what's trying to be promoted.

3. The third listed member is Lizette Beard. Her degrees are theological so, again, I doubt she's qualified to create scientific polls.

4. The fourth listed member is Daniel Price. His degree is in statistics so that's another plus.

So only half the Lifeway Research team is academically educated and trained in how to conduct proper polls. That's not damning in and of itself but we should remain skeptical about their motivations and reliability until we have more information. I tried to find some objective information on Lifeway but, unfortunately, most of what I found was from the Lifeway team itself. They think they are reliable but I'm not convinced - especially when their mission is to "assist[ing] and equip[ping] church leaders with insight and advice that will lead to greater levels of church health and effectiveness." In other words, they want to pack the pews, not necessarily produce accurate results.

Let me clear here: I'm not accusing these people of lying (although it's always possible). I'm questioning their motives and qualifications. I'm questioning their methodology. And I'm certainly questioning their results.

Even though America is a breeding ground for stupidity, I am highly skeptical that so many Americans or even Christians believe that prayer and Bible study alone will cure mental illness. They may believe it's a great way to cope with it but I do not think they believe it will cure it outright. I blame the vagueness of the wording for that.

But let's assume for a minute that their results are 100% correct (which they may be - I may not know what I'm talking about). I am living proof that those people are wrong. Prayer and Bible study fed my condition - it did not "overcome" it in any sense of the word. To think that so many people believe I could just "Jesus" my way out of my illness is frightening and sickening. So I admit my bias...that I do not wish to believe that so many can be so wrong. 

So where do we go from here? Even if the real numbers are much lower than 35%/48%, there are still people out there who do believe that the right religion is a cure for mental illness (and this is often because they think mental illness is a disease of the spirit and not the mind). As long as their are people out their who labor under this misinformation, we must continue to speak out and educate. Whether it's 35% or 3.5%, we've got to push back. I think we're doing a pretty good job of it but we still have work to do. What we don't need are prayers and polls.

Let's Talk About the Voices!

PZ's latest cartoon has some people shaking their heads.

Yes, it's ableist and, yes, it contributes to the negative stereotype of those of us who hear voices. But instead of fussing about it, I'd like to see it stimulate a conversation between us. 

How many of us hear voices telling us to kill ourselves?

How many of us hear voices telling us to kill others?

Of those who have command hallucinations of murder, how many actually commit the deed?

How many of us use our illness as an "excuse" to get out of work or school?

I did a quick Google search and found a few references to a 2000 study which suggested that about 30% of patients heard voices telling them to commit violence and about 22% tried to act on those commands. 

A 2008 study suggested that antipsychotic drugs helped prevent such violence and that the risk of compliance increased with age.

This guide lists questions to ask of people who report persecutory or command hallucinations. 

This is just a quick look, of course, and no one source should be taken as an ultimate authority without more research; however, we can see that not every person who hears voices - even voices telling them to kill - is dangerous. In fact, the studies suggest that most people are not.

Now I can only speak with authority on my own case. I have had visual hallucinations sporadically and auditory hallucinations constantly since I was very young. I did have some command hallucinations but they didn't instruct me to kill. Some of my hallucinations were persecutory and I did self-harm and attempt suicide a couple times as a result of them. But for the most part, the voices offered either neutral or helpful information. I don't want to make it sound like the voices were a good or wanted thing - they weren't - but they often talked about things in the background while I worked and then burst out with advice. Overall, I'd say that my voices helped me excel as far as competency and output but, when it came to emotional stability, people skills, and ability to go to work, they hurt me a lot.

Then Seroquel came into my life and 99% of the voices went away. It's kind of like waking up to find out that everyone else is gone. The quiet in my mind was almost unbearable and I spent the first year adjusting by listening to music or movies or background noise as much as possible. 

I hated my voices and I loved them. I feel like part of me is gone now that they've mostly been stripped away. My inner life is much poorer for seeing them go but at least my waking reality is mine now. And since I don't have to focus on them, I can focus on real people who really matter.

So am I offended by the cartoon? Not really. I don't get offended by much these days unless it's really bad. Is the cartoon funny? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. Is it helpful? No, not at all. People already think we "psychos" and "schizos" are dangerous and no one seems to care much that the biggest repository of our psychos and schizos are jails.

Should PZ take it down? That's up to him, of course, but I think it would be great if we used the cartoon as a launching pad to really talk about these illnesses and to see those of us who have them as real people rather than just shut the conversation down. 

You Don't Know What's Good for You

One of my friends posted this article on Facebook today and I immediately took note. I've walked in similar shoes.

There is a pervasive theme in America that most people on disability or who come into a clinic presenting with pain are faking for drugs. While there certainly are people who do this, most of us do not. Yet to walk into a new clinic or hospital is to be almost guaranteed that your concerns will be reduced or dismissed if you have a mental illness.

This is a sampling of what I've either witnessed or experienced:

1. You are lying because you want me to give you drugs. I don't know if you are taking them or selling them but I know you are faking.

2. You don't know how you feel. You're mentally ill so I can't trust you to accurately describe what's going on with your body and mind.

3. You aren't smart enough (or educated enough) to understand what's going on. You need to just shut up and let me do my job.

4. You don't deserve any pain medication. I don't like you and I don't appreciate how you are acting in my hospital. I don't care that you are hurting and terrified and I'm enjoying wielding this power over you.

5. You are so much smarter than the staff members here and coming to therapy here would be a waste of time. Take this book home and read it. You can help yourself better than anyone else.

While it's true that I am mentally ill and I sometimes have difficulty distinguishing between reality and fantasy, I can assure you, Dr. Asshole, that I am an expert in how I feel. A fucking genius! And while I may be wrong about things on occasion, I'm no liar. I don't need to fake for drugs or anything else because the totality of my mental and physical ailments is one big pile of PAIN. 

And while I realize that drugs aren't always the right answer, there are times when they are. If I haven't slept for two days because of severe stomach cramping (from my IBS), then you can bet that when you don't help me out, I'm going to relapse into either depression or mania. That's what sleep deprivation and stress do to me. In case you didn't know, those conditions are far worse than me getting a couple of Lortabs I didn't need. You aren't helping - you are making it worse.

Of course, I know I have responsibilities here. One is not to lie about anything - not condition, not pain, not income, not insurance - because if you ever think I've lied about something, you will never believe another word I say. The other is to present myself as neatly and intelligently as possible. Because if, gods forbid, I show up looking and acting sick, you'll decide I'm a druggie bum who is faking. Now I know that when I look and sound normal, you'll say I "look fine" to you and don't need anything but that's the dance we do, isn't it?

What's been your experience with medical staff?  Do they make assumptions about you unfairly? Do they deny you care or medication inappropriately? How do you deal with the stigma?

Mental Health Watch: Demon-by-Color

We're familiar with the mistaken and dangerous notion that demons cause mental illness but have you ever heard of identifying these demons by color?

Benny Hinn interviews a guy who has developed a "scientific" method by which he can tell you everything about yourself. He (randomly?) assigned values to parts of the brain and then has you fill them in with colored pencils. If you use too much black, brown, or gray, then you have demons in that part of your brain.

Beware this pseudoscientific nonsense. Mental illness is not caused by demons. Your color preference does not give away your history or your health.

Benny Hinn says, "Trust me." 

I say, "Beware."

"10-22 the 10-56 we got a 10-96 unsub" Wait? WTF did he just call in?

Ever wonder what those police officers are calling in with those number codes? You might be surprised at what they are telling fellow officers and dispatch.

A close friend of mine, Nate, had recently told me of a few of his experiences while doing some "ride alongs" with the local police. Nate is in the LEJA program at WIU and got offered a chance to come along for a few "ride alongs" with officers. He shared a few stories about doing bar walkthroughs and watching the underage patrons trying to leave unnoticed. He talked about being in those shoes when he grew up, using his older brother's ID to get into the bars at age 18 back in 1997. Nowadays it is still the same shenanigans and lies to get inside if only to look cool and dance. Only the bravest of them would attempt to buy a drink themselves - most were denied and escorted out.

Afterwards, he told me about having to ride in the back of the squad car with an unsub. They answered a call about an individual walking along the street edge and sometimes entering the traffic lane. There were apparently several concerned drivers and passersby that had called it in. When they arrived though, all was not as one would expect. Nate recounted the experience as follows.

"When we pulled up, the individual appeared to be intoxicated and was barely maintaining balance while walking along the westbound lane of Main St. He was dirty from falling down a few times before we arrived. His shirt was torn at the shoulder and there was some blood visible." 

"After detaining the unsub on the sidewalk, the officers began asking procedural questions like:

"Where are you coming from?

"Do you have any ID?

"Do you know where you are?

"How did your shirt get torn?" 

I told Nate that all these questions didn't seem unusual to me. I've been pulled over before and asked, "What are you doing out this late?" Of course I was 17 and on my way home from work and it was 10 mins after underage curfew but I knew the police would ask such information seeking question. It's routine, right?

"Yea, the questions were pretty much routine but the unsub's answers or lack of answers caught my attention more than anything. He said  he was 'coming from the living room' and his wallet was 'on the lamp stand' and pointed towards a nearby fire hydrant."

When asked if he knew where he was, the unsub promptly answered, "In my damn house!" 

"Who let you in here anyways?" 

"Did Sissy call you again?"

"The second officer called in the stop, I heard him say 'Dispatch 10-22 the 10-56 we got a 10-96.' The officer then turned toward me and said, 'We are going to take him in with us. You may want to move your stuff over.' I went back to the car and grabbed my iPad, notebook and coat then waited for the officers to place the unsub in the car. All the while I was trying to figure out what a 10-22, 56 and 96 were; they weren't all that familiar to me. It was a time I wished I had brought my iPhone instead of the work phone"

I laughed at this point and said "I guess you were walking." As Nate continued, I googled *police 10 codes* and started scrolling.

Nate said, "They grabbed a D.A.R.E shirt from the trunk and placed it over the unsub's shoulder to help keep any blood from getting on the seat then placed him in the passenger side backseat. The second officer said, 'Be careful when you step around from the back of the cruiser.'  I was like, 'Um, you want me to ride next to him?' He just smiled at me saying, 'You'll be fine - just keep to yourself until we get to the station.' I was thinking, are they playing a joke on me? I wanted to ask him what 10-56 and 10-96 were, but didn't want to be a total nub. I was pretty sure a 10-22 meant negative or something along those lines and 56 was an intoxicated person on foot"

 I replied, "Yea I had to look them up as soon as you said them." I didn't realize how many they used and for what. Then again I speak in a totally different type of code on a daily basis.

Nate continued "Lucky you, I had to endure the entire 18 minute ride back to the station sitting next to a bleeding guy that was mumbling the whole way. I didn't know if he was gonna flip out with me back there or puke on me or what. I held my stuff close to my chest and kept watching him without making eye contact. I just wanted out of there. I wasn't really scared but I had no idea what I was dealing with or how to react and what the hell was a 10-96?"

Was it really that bad? I mean yea, I know what 10-96 is now that I looked it up but it couldn't have been that bad. He was in cuffs, right?

Nate replied, "Yes, but because of the shoulder injury, he had his hands in his lap and they were handcuffed but still. I just really felt uneasy not knowing. You know what I mean?"

Ok, I can relate as a person who hates not having all the information. When I go into a project or work or anything really, I like to know as much as everyone else and not be the "ill-informed" one in the room.

So as Nate finished telling me how he was finally able to look up the 10-96 and saw that it was code for "Mental Subject." The unsub was given medical treatment for his shoulder injury and transferred to a temporary holding cell. Awaiting an undetermined fate, as Nate wasn't sure what happened to him next. Its worth mentioning here that at least 29 percent of jails hold patients waiting for a hospital bed.*

 Nate then said, "I can't believe they didn't call for another car to take him. He could have gone all psycho on me back there!"

I informed him that not all people that are mentally ill were dangerous and that about 1 in 4 adults suffer from mental illness of some sort. We said our goodbyes and well wishes, but not before getting permission to share this.

I know that what I shared with him will make him want to learn more and be better prepared. I know he will be reading this as well. (I hope I got it all right, tongue in cheek)

I'll even add this from the book Tweenky is currently reading (*Surviving Schizophrenia, Torrey 2006 5th edition):

1. There are at least as many individuals with schizophrenia homeless and living on the streets as there are in all hospitals and related facilities.

2. There are more individuals with schizophrenia in jails and prisons than there are in all the hospitals and related facilities.

3. There are increasing episodes of violence committed by individuals with schizophrenia who are not being treated.

8. At least 40 percent of all individuals with schizophrenia are receiving no treatment at any given time.  

I hope you too will seek more information before jumping to conclusions and I am thankful that the 2 officers knew enough about mental illness to get the unsub some help and not just treat him as a drunk walking down the road.

Tweenky's Pregnancy Aftermath and Recovery

Ever since my appearance on the Godless Bitches podcast, I've had some people ask me about the aftermath of my near-fatal pregnancy and my recovery. In order to answer these questions more fully and dispel the myth that pregnancy is harmless, I've decided to write an detailed account. Some of this may be slightly misremembered or garbled but it's the best I can do. You may also want to read Nathan's account here.

When I awoke from the coma, the first thing I registered was the bag of platelets hanging to the left of my head. I immediately knew I was in trouble - that something major had happened - but I wasn't scared. I didn't feel any emotion. I remember seeing Nathan, then my mom and my sister. I remember thanking them for making the 6 hour drive to come see me. They looked exhausted and distraught but that didn't register. I was too thirsty to care about anything. My mouth was drier than I've ever felt before and it was unbearable. I begged for fluids but they told me that I couldn't have anything to drink until the fetus was delivered. I didn't care. I continue to beg and bitch until a nurse let me have a sip of Sprite Zero so I'd shut up.

Once I got a little relief (and believe me, that was temporary), I asked what had happened. They explained that I had HELLP Syndrome which I was not really familiar with. I was down to 30,000 platelets (normal level is 150,000 to 450,000) and the transfusion was my only hope. They explained that our son was already dead and that I couldn't have a proper drink until he was delivered.

I told them to cut me open. C-section NOW! My brain wasn't working right. It didn't dawn on me that with such a low platelet count, I might bleed out were they to cut me open. All I knew was that I was painfully thirsty. I argued and griped about it until they let me have another sip. My fuzzy mind spun trying to understand the biochemistry going on. What was happening to my platelets? Where were they going? It just didn't make sense.*

I looked up at the collection of bags on the poles and saw one labeled "pitocin." I knew that one. I followed the lines down to my arm and saw the tubes go into the side of my arm near the elbow - not the traditional place for an IV. I looked quizzically at Nathan and he explained I had a PIC line (peripherally inserted catheter). They had used an x-ray machine to insert a tube into my arm that lead to my heart. From it they could send medication and draw blood without further sticking me. I blessed them for that. I hate needles.

They rolled me over and gave me a vaginal suppository, a prostaglandin that would help me dilate and get this over with. This is a medication that was originally planned to be banned under the Mississippi "personhood" amendment 26. I think that's when I realized I had a catheter. I chalked it up as another victory that I'd been too busy dying to feel it going in. I asked about it and Nathan told me my kidneys had started shutting down and I was passing reddish-brown urine. Gross.

That's about the time I noticed that something was wrong with my vision. I could see spots everywhere, gaps in my skin and the wall. I looked at my arms and realized I was terribly swollen all over. My eyes had swelled and that was causing the weird spots. I didn't care. I was too thirsty to care.

I felt it when my water broke. It was a wonderful relief - the way you feel when you've been holding a full bladder for ages and you finally get to go. They dialed up my morphine but I didn't care. I didn't feel any pain or fear. I felt the medication hit my heart and I remember thinking, "This is what morphine feels like? It's not worth the bother." 

Delivery was pretty quick. There was all the "push, push, PUSH" that you hear in the movies. There wasn't any pain, just pressure. I delivered lackadaisically, really only caring about getting something to drink.

Then they laid my son in my arms. I looked at him. I thought I saw him move.

"Did he move?" I asked? "I thought I saw him move."

No, they told me. You're shaking.

I looked at him again. I held him but I don't remember touching him. I sat still while the family took pictures. My mother and sister were openly sobbing. I don't remember what Nathan was doing. I might as well not have been there.

They took him a few short minutes later and asked how we wanted to dispose of him. I jumped in with cremation. I was adamant. I was consigning my son to the flames. I was designating him as "medical waste." It sounds horrid but all I could think of was that I was not going to let my mother get his tiny body and bury it at her church so that she could have a perpetual monument to grief and guilt. I was not going to let her use my son to manipulate me into going to church. I was not going to let her claim an inch of my son for Christ.

He was born free and he died free. I am not chained to his grave. I experience him every day in his father, in the air I breathe, and in my continued existence.

I spent the weekend in the hospital recovering quickly. Although my physical recovery was remarkable, my mental recovery was far less so. I was considered a very high suicide risk and the nurses counselled Nathan that I would have to be watched for a very long time. Strangely enough, suicide hasn't crossed my mind since that day. I've never had a stronger, sharper will to live. But my life was bought at a heavy price and I'm not yet sure how much more I'll be asked to pay.

Although the brain scans showed no permanent damage, my cognitive abilities have been impaired. I don't remember things very well any more. I don't type or spell as well as I did in the past. I often get my words mixed up or I blank out when I speak. 

My blood pressure is an absolute wreck. Without two types of medication each day, my blood pressure will skyrocket and I will die. I take both Bystolic and Lisinopril to deal with it.

I suffered some nerve damage in my legs that got better over time. I have restless leg syndrome but, with exercise and a massage pad, I deal with it well. It took me a year to fully be able to walk again. I had to use a cane sometimes for the first year but I was damned and determined to get rid of it. Now I can walk around a Walmart Supercenter without stopping to rest.

I gained weight during my convalescence (but only because Nathan fixed my meals and made me eat) and that has not come off. I'm still working on it. Nathan still fixes my meals and rations out my medication. I don't trust myself with medication since my last overdose and hospitalization in 2010. He also encourages me and helps me continue moderate exercise. I'm taking Victoza injections to control my type 2 diabetes and I have a pill I can take to help with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The pill doesn't really help much.

The worst impairment I've suffered is mental. I dealt with survivor's guilt a lot that first year but I never really grieved. I still haven't. I don't know if it was the morphine or what, but my emotions never really came back. I've had a precious few bouts of breakthrough crying but they feel just as fake and forced as the smile I wear. My morality is solely a product of my rational thought; it's something I choose to do and not something I feel. If I were living according to my feelings, I would be in prison because I feel no empathy or kinship any more. I am kind because I choose to be. I do what's right because it's for the best.

The schizoaffective disorder is what won me my permanent disability and it will likely never go away. Although the hallucinations and delusions of the schizophrenia are generally well controlled, I do hear breakthrough voices and sometimes feel paranoia. Sometimes I think the walls and floors are folding in on me. Sometimes I get the feeling that there is still a divine hand on me that sustains me and make me strong.  I struggle to accept these as biochemical anomalies and not as fact. Although my life is better without the voices, I miss them and the richness they gave my life. I take Seroquel to combat the psychotic symptoms.

The bipolar part of the equation has been more difficult. I'm currently suffering through a major depressive episode. I don't feel sad or worthless too much though I remember times when I did very vividly. I do not feel suicidal thanks to my Lexapro. What I do feel is rage. Sometimes it's focused, sometimes not. There are times when it takes everything I have not to slam my fist through glass or the wall for no reason. I live in fear of my next manic episode because each one is a harsh test of my relationships, my abilities, and my character.

And finally, I can never get pregnant again without dying. I'm on the pill right now even though the risk is higher at my age for blood clots and such. Now that I have Medicare, I'm planning to schedule an Essure procedure. They'll take some corkscrews and put them in my Fallopian tubes. The tubes will scar up and close thus making me permanently sterile. Even with Medicare, there will be deductibles and copays so it's a work in progress.

This is my life now. I've lost so much and I feel like I have little to show for it. There is a lot of potential guilt in thinking that you're so pathetic you can't even have a baby right. I've combated that by sharing my story and fighting against both anti-choicers and mental health bigots. I've put just about everything publicly on the line, opening up myself to some ridicule and risk (if you can believe that), so that people will know how dangerous and disabling pregnancy can be. That doesn't make me a hero but it does give me a reason to keep going. I'll never be a shining star in the movement or a big name but I will do what I can to educate, encourage, and support my fellow humans.

I don't do it because it feels gratifying. I do it because I've decided it's right...and doing right is how I choose to spend my remaining hard-won days.

*As I understand it, HELLP causes platelets to clot within the blood vessels. As these platelets form their sticky clotting webs inside the vessels, red blood cells get trapped and ripped apart. So you lose platelet availability from the internal clotting and you lose red blood cells from them being torn up. Hence:

(H)emolysis
(E)levated
(L)iver Enzymes
(L)ow
(P)latelet Count

Stick to Preaching, Preacher - Take Two

Perhaps you remember my previous post about Dr. Rex Yancey's take on depression. The good "doctor" has doubled down on his position this week with a new column in our paper entitled, "Depression brings us closer to God."

After diagnosing numerous Biblical characters with depression, he offers this sage advice:

We must wait on the Lord. We wait for the Lord to pull us out of the depths. There is a proper time for deliverance. God may not pull you out of the depths after the first prayer.

 You do not hurry the Lord up.

Get into the Word of God while you are waiting.

Once again we are told that God is the cure for depression and that prayer and Bible reading are the cost of that cure. Once again he redefines this medical disorder as a "spiritual" disorder, seemingly unconcerned with the consequences.

Unless his god has a name like Lexapro, that god has never cured anyone of depression. You can sit on your ass and pray until the cows come home but you will not be cured of depression. Your mood may lift temporarily if you are a believer, but that is not the same thing as proper treatment of depression.

Telling people to do nothing about their depression is like putting a loaded gun in their hands as far as I'm concerned. Depression is a condition that worsens over time if not treated and does lead to suicide. It's not something to be played with. I see Dr. Yancey's advice about depression as being the same as these televangelists who tell cancer patients not to take their meds any more because they are cured. It's the same kind of quackery - the same kind of dangerous lie. Our newspaper is content to print those lies again and again without any comment or rebuttal.

Perhaps Dr. Yancey should put this sign up at his church. It captures the idea well. If something is wrong, just lay down and die. Surrender. It's God's will.

Overload

Depression is a part of my life and has been for a long time. Usually I can find my way through it but lately it has been pulling me under. I feel such overwhelming powerlessness and despair that I'm close to shutting down.

First, despite our victories in some local battles, it feels like the crazy right is winning the war. The harder we fight, the harder they push back. The difference is that they have money, politics, and propaganda on their side. Their resources are massive so a campaign that might drain us dry requires just a drop in the bucket from them. 

Second, the general political situation is so bleak that it seems hopeless. I have no confidence in either party right now (though I know some great people are working locally to change the parties). The truth is that I don't want to vote for either candidate, not any candidate really, in the 2012 election. I don't trust any of them. I don't approve of any of them. I don't believe the 2 major contenders want to change anything and I don't believe that the third-party candidates who do want to change things really know how. Sometimes I wonder if I should just sit back and watch America burn. I wonder if my ancestors felt this despair just before the Civil War.

Third, I feel like I've lost a major support system. My local atheist community is comprised of some great people but I haven't seen them since the Reason Rally. My health just hasn't been conducive to getting out. So I've had to rely on the internet community of atheists instead. But this no longer feels like a safe space to me. The eternal battle on sexual harassment and misogyny has brought out some really hateful folks and, frankly, I don't want to participate on those blogs any more because I don't think I can cope emotionally. Even the people I agree with have become sharp with their words and ready to pounce. I understand why to some degree - the issue is important and has a lot of implications for both sides. However, when things get to the point where you can't ask a question or tell a story without being viciously attacked, then why bother? Why take that risk on myself when I'm already weak?

If history is anything to go by, this will pass in a few months. What seems so hopeless today has a way of becoming boring history tomorrow. Yet I feel caught up in this cycle and I don't know how to find my way out. Every time I try to get back in the swing of things, I get knocked back down.

So it isn't that I'm giving up on my work here - it's that I'm not making any commitments until I get better. I have to step back now in order to care later. I may try to make some more Facebook art or do something simple but I can't find the strength to post everyday or do videos or podcasts. It's just beyond me right now. 

People who think depression is just having a case of the blues that they can go shopping and shrug off (like my mom) need to walk in my shoes for a day. They really do.

Stick to Preaching, Preacher! - When Pastors Try to Be Doctors

Not all doctors are created equal and not all doctors are qualified for the same tasks. Just as you would not go to a heart specialist for back surgery, neither should you go to a "Doctor of Divinity" or "Doctor of Ministry" for advice about depression. Nevertheless, there are some pastors who think that they are entitled to speak with authority about the causes and cures for psychiatric illnesses. I strongly beg to differ.

Today we're going to examine an article entitled "Don't let depression paralyze your heart" by a local pastor Dr. Rex Yancey. I don't know Dr. Yancey personally but I've been told he is a good person. This post is not intended to attack him personally but to dismantle some of his comments about depression and show that professionals should not try to practice outside their field no matter how many good books they've read or how confident they think a few counselling courses makes them.

First I want to warn against falling prey to the argument from authority. It is tempting to accept all Dr. Yancey's statements at face value because he has earned a D.Min. (Doctor of Ministry) degree. After all that schooling, he must know what he's talking about, right? Well, that depends on the subject at hand. Yes, he probably is an expert on his religion, church administration, and maybe some type of general counselling. However, he isn't the kind of doctor you'd go to if your kidneys were failing and he's not the kind of doctor you should trust if your brain isn't working properly. If we're going to ignore evidence and simply go with whoever sounds the most authoritative, remember that I have a Doctor of Divinity degree so I can legitimately call myself Dr. Tweenky Dee if I want to (but the truth is that I don't think my D.D. and his D.Min. are worth the paper they are printed on - it's like having a degree in Harry Potterology). So let's not fall for the authoritative slant. Let's examine the positions of his column and go where the evidence leads.

Depression is an unpleasant emotion.

No, depression is not just an "unpleasant emotion." It is a brain disease, a medical illness in which you experience many unpleasant emotions. It's not just getting the "blues" or the "blahs" as Dr. Yancey suggests, but it is living with a persistent recurrence of symptoms that can vary from being troubling to down-right crippling and disabling.

It has been my experience that the deepest depression comes after the greatest achievements. 

Perhaps that is Dr. Yancey's experience but that is not everyone's experience and it certainly doesn't mean that there is some game of cosmic tit-for-tat going on. Stress from any event, even a very positive one, may put a person at risk for depression but there is no guarantee.

What causes spiritual depression?

I don't know what "spiritual depression" even means since no spirit has ever been demonstrated to exist so I will assume that he is using the word to give religious flavor to a material concept. Let's take his list of causes one by one:

1. Temperament - our personality traits can put us at risk for depression but it is not a cause for depression. Dr. Yancey makes no real effort to back this up as a cause - he just waxes eloquently for a couple paragraphs about how we're all different. Yes, we are different and some of us are introverted and shy but that does not cause us to be depressed. Overcoming depression is not a simple matter of "making more friends" or "just cheering up."

2. Physical condition - Dr. Yancey related how Yahweh gave Elijah a piece of cake which seems to suggest that hungry folks are depressed. That may well be but starvation is not on the accepted list of causes for depression. In fact, I'd say that's a bit of an abuse or conflation of the word "depression." Sadness due to hunger that lifts after eating is not depression - it's low blood sugar.  So while it's true one's physical condition (in the sense of disease, hormonal imbalance, neurotransmitter imbalance, or other some such) may cause depression, his example falls far from the mark. You cannot cure your depression by getting up and having a nice meal - even if an invisible, magic sky fairy feeds you cake.

3. Satan - no, just no! There is no evidence, not one single study, that has found "Satan" to be the cause of depression. STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT PSYCHIATRIC PROBLEMS ARE DUE TO SATAN! This lie has been responsible for so much misery and death during human existence and yet we still have professionals who are willing to abuse their position and put sick people at risk. This is the exact lie that kept me from getting the proper psychiatric help I needed for almost 20 years. 

If you want to argue this point, please explain to me how it is that Satan and his demons are conquered by anti-psychotic medication. Is Satan allergic to Seroquel? Does lithium drive out Legion? Did Jesus use Geodon?

4. Loneliness - again, this can put us at risk for depression but it is not a cause. When we are lonely, we may feel a little down but we always have the option of giving someone a call and blues go away. Depression cripples your ability to make that call or visit with people. It is not a transient, situational feeling but a persistent mental disorder.

5. Alcohol and drugs - risk factors, yes; direct causes - not exactly. While it's true that alcohol and some drugs are depressants, they do not precisely cause depression. Some people drink alcohol and never have a day of depression in their lives. People who abuse alcohol are more likely to get depressed and that makes sense but it's not true that one glass of red wine a day is going to make you depressed. The anti-alcohol message is Baptist dogma, not psychiatric science.

Now that Dr. Yancey has given us his list of (flawed) causes, he's going to give us the cure. Science hasn't found a one-size-fits-all cure for depression so let's see what we can find:

1. Understand the cause - this has some truth to it so I want to give credit where credit is due. There is always a cause (or perhaps many causes) for depression. It might be a major life event such as a death in the family, an ongoing traumatic situation, or just something you inherited from your family. Understanding the cause is the first step in dealing with your situation. Once you understand, you can shed the guilt and start making needed changes in your life if you want to.  For example, once I understood that I just drew the short genetic straw, I was able to stop feeling guilty and unworthy and become more proactive in taking my medication. Understanding why this happened to you will not cure your depression but it will help you cope.

2. Share your feelings - absolutely talk about things with someone you trust (hopefully a professional therapist) or write about them. Keeping your feelings bottled in tends to amplify those feelings in my experience. Again, sharing will not cure your depression but will help you cope.

3. Confess your sin to God - sin didn't cause your depression and repentance won't cure it. This is another damnable lie. If you've wronged someone and you feel guilt, go to them and make it right. If that cures your blues, fine, but that is not depression. The guilt that goes with depression is not always rational and often revolves around feelings of unworthiness. Fixating on how you stand in comparison with the invisible magic sky fairy will only reinforce those feelings and may drive you deeper into depression.

4. Help someone else - if you are able to do this, do it! It's empowering and doesn't have to cost you much. But remember that if you are depressed, you must take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. That's my golden rule of depression.

I'm sure Dr. Yancey had good motives for writing this but I fear he gives us the wrong impression about the nature of depression and his explanations and solutions regarding sin and Satan are not only incorrect but deeply destructive.  As difficult as it is to believe, people in 21st century America are still being told that their mental illnesses are the product of sin and demons. Thousands of children are physically and emotionally harmed by deliverance or exorcism services. Thousands more are bilked out of their money by charlatans like Bob Larson. At some point, we need to hold these "doctors" responsible for the harm they do by spreading this sort of misinformation. They are not psychiatrists and should never give medical advice as if they are. The same goes for me. The information I gave you is from the Mayo Clinic but if you are experiencing any kind of mental problems, please consult your doctor or psychiatrist and take their advice.