Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Redonkulous Redneck Award - Elizabeth Kennedy

Welcome to our first edition of Redonkulous Rednecks - a weekly awarding of those Southerners amongst us who say and do the most outrageously insane things.

There is so much material to work with down here that we simply cannot give out an award to everyone who is worthy of it. I hope, therefore, you'll appreciate the extraordinary level of dumbassery that must be displayed in order to achieve it.

This week's recipient is Ms. Elizabeth Kennedy of New Site and comes to us via the Booneville, MS publication The Banner-Independent. In the September 8th issue, Ms. Kennedy writes regarding the explosion of the Russian supply shuttle and says:

Do you think the Russians might suddenly find a way to get some of their people up there as soon as our people leave?

Well, sure, Ms. Kennedy, because the best way to get your people to the space station before a country with no space shuttle program can is to destroy your own rocket.

Would a rocket from the spaceship not be closer to us than one from the moon? Surely they wouldn't do that!

So the Russians blew up their own rocket so they can get to the space station and fire a rocket at the U.S.? And they are going to fire a rocket from the space station because a rocket fired from the station will somehow be more dangerous to us than one fired from the moon? Really, Ms. Kennedy?

It makes one wonder if our government leaders are that dumb or if it was carefully planned.

So now you suggest that perhaps the U.S. government (led by that strange Muslim atheist Nazi communist socialist Indonesian Kenyan Obama) let Russia blow up its own rockets so it could win the space race to the station to fire a rocket on the U.S. That crafty Obama!

Either way, it is good news for Christians. "Look up for your redemption draweth nigh," but pity the unsaved. I can see now why the Bible says that hell has to be enlarged.

If Ms. Kennedy's conspiracy is true, it is not good news for Christians since a huge percentage of Americans claim to be Christians. If she's right, those good Christians are going to look up one night and see a Russian rocket coming straight at them via the space station. I expect she thinks it will have an "Obama 2012" logo painted on it. It's pretty apparent that she thinks she'll be one of the few raptured out before her imagined tragedy but I wouldn't count on it. Was it not her god who said that many would say, "Lord, Lord!" and he would turn them away?

Ms. Kennedy, I recommend that you look up at the night sky and let that inspire you to learn some science and reason so that you can appreciate the technology you so thoughtlessly enjoy. And I recommend further that you worry more about enlarging your mind than measuring the dimensions of your mythical hell.

So for your insane Russian rocket conspiracy and your pseudo-Rapture claptrap, I present you with the first ever Redonkulous Redneck Award. You deserve it!