Sunday, October 9, 2011

Just the FAQs, Ma'am

Since has had such a hard time getting their FAQs straight (pun intended), I thought it might be fun to rewrite it for them in a way that I feel is more honest and more clear. This is my opinion of their stance based on their language and the words of their supporters. It is a parody. I hope you find it interesting.

When Proposition 26, the Mississippi Personhood Amendment, passes in November....

"Will Personhood outlaw contraceptives?"
WE SURE HOPE SO! We've been telling everyone that it won't since that's not very popular - even in Mississippi. But we made sure the language of the amendment is clear that life begins at fertilization so, when doctors are called to testify as expert witnesses, they must inform the court that the Pill and IUDs can affect the ability of the embryo to implant, thus rendering them illegal. We're pretty sure that our supporters are too stupid to understand this and won't believe it when someone tells them.

"Will Personhood end in-vitro fertilization, which helps couples who want to become pregnant?"
WE SURE HOPE SO! In the Bible, if women were barren, they rightly went to God for assistance. If He has decided that a woman is infertile, then so be it. She's probably deep in her sin and God is punishing her. Or else maybe he's going to make an example of her and open her womb later in life. Either way, man should not play God.

"Will Personhood prevent a doctor from saving the life of a mother with a problem pregnancy?"
WHO CARES? Our ideology is way more important that making sure women come through a pregnancy safely.

"Will Personhood result in the criminal prosecution of a woman who suffers a miscarriage?"
WHO CARES? If she didn't do anything wrong, she doesn't have anything to worry about. This is about protecting the unborn, not the born.

"Will Personhood end abortion and cloning in Mississippi?"
YES, HALLELUJAH! When that one Planned Parenthood clinic that doesn't even do abortions is shut down for good, we'll put a crisis pregnancy center there and get federal funding. As for cloning, what is that anyway?

"What about rape or incest?"
WHAT ABOUT IT? She was probably asking for it. You know how sluts are. She should be grateful that we're allowing her the chance to get 18 years of welfare and food stamps...for now.

"Will Personhood increase health care costs in Mississippi?"
YES but who cares? Worthy citizens have jobs and insurance. The unworthy can put their kids up for adoption. Maybe if we repeal the child labor laws, we can get these kids working for next to nothing.

"Doesn't the Personhood ballot language leave unanswered questions?"
YES but don't you worry about it. Everything is in God's hands and it isn't right to question His will. Besides, it's better to err on the side of life, right? Right?

"Will the Mississippi Personhood Amendment overturn Roe v. Wade?"
NOT YET but that's the plan. Of course, if we ever manage to do that, we're going to have to find a new cash cow to milk. Hmm, what right should we take away in God's name next?

"Will Personhood take away a woman's 'Right to Choose'?"
YES, HALLELUJAH! Because everything's gone to pot since those women got the right to vote, to work, and to decide when to have kids. Before that, they were slaves to their biology and, in essence, to their menfolk. If we can get them back in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, the world will be a better place for us men. Hell, with all the job openings that will come available once that happens, our economy will be on the fast track again.